I've had a weary streak. I have rather 'not enjoyed' people saying things I basically agree with. That bothers me. So I said to myself: "maybe you don't really agree with those things?" But I don't think that is it. I think I am suffering from something more basic. I think there is a sense in which liking coffee doesn't mean I am going to enjoy hearing others go on about how much they like coffee, or how, or why. Sometimes I do, but maybe I have done that too much. I have overdosed on some circles of mutual admiration. Is that it?
I miss surprise, I guess. I mentioned a while back that I missed tribe, but that turned out to be only partially useful. Surprise won't be it either. It has more to do with mystery which is only partially elusive. I don't want to be agnostic or fundamentalist on hardly anything. I want to be loyal and useful and humble and alive to possibilities and uncertainties and surprises. Maybe I just miss not feeling responsible for more than my shoulders can bear. I want to be somewhere between the despair of thinking as a worm and the delusion of believing i'm a god. I should find that Tolkien quote… done:
"Then the prophecies of the old songs have turned out to be true, after a fashion!" said Bilbo.
"Of course!" said Gandalf. "And why should not they prove true? Surely you don't disbelieve the prophecies, because you had a hand in bringing them about yourself? You don't really suppose, do you, that all your adventures and escapes were managed by mere luck, just for your sole benefit? You are a very fine person, Mr. Baggins, and I am very fond of you; but you are only quite a little fellow in a wide world after all!"
"Thank goodness!" said Bilbo laughing, and handed him the tobacco-jar.*
Hmm. I think I'll go get some good beans for the coffee-jar. I suppose I am sometimes useful, but I am quite a little fellow in a wide world after all! Let it be enough, Goodness; and thank you.
*the conclusion to The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien, who died some time ago and is now… well, that is a question, isn't it?
2 comments:
the saying of basic things that we agree with is especially wearying when it comes at us straight instead of slant.
Tell all the Truth but tell it slant---
Success in Circuit lies
Too bright for our infirm Delight
The Truth's superb surprise
As Lightning to the Children eased
With explanation kind
The Truth must dazzle gradually
Or every man be blind---
Emily Dickinson
Aye aye to being a little being. aye aye.
our infirm Delight...
What was with that girl? She knew stuff.
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